Excuses, Excuses

You were the kid whose dog ate her homework. But did you ever wonder what happened to that kid who couldn’t turn in his paper because he was using a pen his uncle brought back from the darkest jungles of Zimbabwe, and by the time he finished writing the paper, the ink at the top was starting to disappear, so he called his uncle who told him that it would reappear if he doused the page with animal blood and then exposed it to 130 degree sunlight, so he went to see if he could catch a squirrel (sometimes sacrifice has to be made to get the homework done!) but what his uncle didn’t tell him is that if you leave the paper in the sun before it’s doused in blood it exudes a smell that is irresistable to the smaller breeds of canine, and Mrs. Zeeble, the evil neighbor, never keeps her dog in the fence, so by the time he caught his squirrel, her dog BoBo had chewed it up so what was the point of trying the squirrel blood anyway?

I found him. He’s trying to rob museums in Knoxville.

Richard Anthony Smith was discovered stuck in an air vent in the Knoxville Museum of Art. He says he rappelled into it after having been dropped off by a helicopter. He got stuck there and had to call 911 for help. When rescuers arrived, he told them he was a special agent from the United States Illuminati, badge number 0931.” He was trying to locate and diffuse a Soviet-made nuclear bomb, apparently located inside a blue, plastic cow in the museum’s basement. (I tell you, the cow’s always in on it…)

No one even thought to try contacting the United States Illuminati Special Agent Forces for comment.

Though poor Mr. Smith has been arrested and will almost certainly be charged with something, I would like to officially award him the biggest available A for Effort and Creativity Under Pressure.

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