The Cake That Almost Killed Me (and soon will)

In school, they teach you to read all the way through all the instructions before you begin a task.

I did that. It was still chaos.

Since settling into my new kitchen, I have been especially enthusiastic about putting it to use. Perhaps I was suffering from cooking-withdrawl. It was also one of those happy weeks where I get both of my cooking magazines, which is doubly inspiring.

Last week, I made Crack Pie (recipe courtesy of Bon Appetit). It was definitely a success, though I’d be tempted to add chocolate chips if I made it again. (Bad habit. Can’t help it.)

This week, it was Blackberry Jam Cake, recipe courtesy of Cook’s Country. I didn’t take pictures starting from the beginning, because I had no idea what sort of ordeal it would be, but the following seemed worth posting.

I started with the frosting at about 10:30 this morning because I knew it would need to sit and cool several times. I’d done a good job shopping for all my ingredients, but managed to forget butter, so I made a quick trip to the store for that. I set the required butter (three sticks!) out to get to room temperature while I started the caramel frosting base.

The recipe tells you to mix the sugars, milk, flour and vanilla together, then whisk constantly over medium heat in a medium saucepan for 5-7 minutes “until very thick.” I pulled out my medium saucepan and began whisking. Twenty minutes later, my sauce was not at all thick, but it was very, very frothy. It had doubled in size and was threatening to spill out of the saucepan. Referring back to my recipe (while continuing to whisk, resulting in some sauce on my chin), I noticed the picture of a “medium” sauce pan was a pan that looked like it could hold 7 or 8 quarts. Reluctantly, I switched pots.

It was the right thing to do. A mere 10 minutes later, I had a thick, lovely-looking caramel. I might have overdone it, because by the time I scraped it into a glass bowl, it was already solidifying to caramel candy status. About 10 seconds after I finished scraping, I realized I would need to have it in my stand mixer bowl so I had to move it again. D’oh.

I let that cool plenty long enough, then proceeded with the next steps of the recipe. As far as I can tell, there were no problems during this part. My “miracle” frosting did not do the miraculous thing the recipe said it would, but after 7 minutes of beating it, I gave up and it tasted delicious.

Next: bake the cakes. This is where my enthusiasm for participation but inability to follow directions really becomes a problem.

Step one: grease and flour two cake pans.

I don’t have two cake pans.

How is this possible? I own 76 pans.

Oh. They’re ALL pie pans. (Or muffin pans.)

Well crud.

So I greased and floured one pan, and planned to do my stupid two-layer cake in two rounds. I should have just made it a two-layer square cake.

Consulting the recipe again, I saw that my buttermilk was supposed to be room temperature. Oops. Pulled that out right quick, then went to do something else for a half hour to give it a chance to warm up. I came back down and set to work. It was all fine until I realized I needed more room temperature butter. Two and a half sticks of it. Now let’s play a game: were you paying attention above? Did you notice how many sticks I used in the frosting? I didn’t have 2.5 sticks left.

I fudged it and used the salted sticks from the freezer. A little extra sodium never really hurt anyone. I cut them up and left them to thaw while I looked at the next step of the recipe. Four room-temperature eggs. What the heck is up with all this room-temperatureness? What could it possibly matter? So I took my four eggs and went upstairs to check my email, the eggs resting in my lap like I was some sort of upside-down chicken.

Another frittered half-hour later, I returned to try again. Now, everything seemed to be going smoothly, except upon walking back into the kitchen, I realized I’d apparently used every mixing bowl we own. Really very impressive.

My first cake came out of the oven looking beautiful. Then I tried to flip it onto the cooling rack and things fell apart. Literally.

But reconstructive surgery seems to have gone well.

Just to be safe, I greased and floured the begeezes out of the pan for round two. I dare anything to stick to this!

(And now typing will go slower because before putting cake #2 in the oven, I saw the new oven thermometer sitting on the counter. Apparently completely forgetting that I’d set it there after removing it from the oven to get the first cake out, I grabbed it thinking “I should put this back.” I now have a pretty painful burn on my index finger. Gaaaah.)

The second came out twice as big as the first (the hazard of not pouring both cakes at once), but it popped right out of its pan without leaving even a speck behind. Ahh! While waiting for it to cool, I frosted the first one and jammed it up.

And now, a little after midnight, my cake is ready. I’m so stressed out by baking it, I hardly want to eat it.

But I have to. And it’s good. Dustin seconds that. I have a lot. In case you weren’t keeping track, there are 5 and a half sticks of butter in this cake. That’s almost three cups. If you don’t come over and help me eat this cake, it will probably be death by delicious butter.

The moral of the story? Huh. I can’t even come up with one. Read the directions first? I did that. Read them again? Did that too. Take all your ingredients out of the fridge before you proceed with step one? Maybe. Have more cake pans? Should do. Delicious cakes are worth the tears and pain? Definitely.

Read Full Post »

Wedding Blues and Don’ts

I rounded off my road trip last week with a little stop by Minnesota for a family wedding. I learned a very valuable lesson while I was there, which I’d like to share with you. Here it is in a nutshell:

Never, ever, ever go to a large family function where you are a peripheral guest without your own transportation. Don’t do it.

Now, that out of the way, I’d like to share with you the list of Wedding Don’ts I’ve compiled over the last five or six years of wedding attendance. Some of these may be personal preference, but I’m convinced I’ve stumbled upon a few universal truths.

1. The Ceremony

I find humor generally distasteful during the talk that the pastor/judge/whoever gives, and that is a personal preference. I think this comes from the fact that the speaker doesn’t usually know the couple well enough to be as funny as he thinks he’s being. But here is the line I draw between tackiness and total tastelessness: Do NOT joke about the couple’s bad habits or bodily functions. I do not want to hear about Billy Bob’s tendency to get pulled over for speeding or Sally Mae’s morning breath. Yuck.

But far, far more important than that: Do NOT talk about divorce during the wedding talk. Yes, divorce statistics are sobering, and yes, we hope this couple will defy the odds… but why make us think about it? This is a happy occasion to celebrate a union, not to induce people into taking bets about how long it will last.

2. Dress Code

I think brides who choose giant, formal wedding dresses for outdoor weddings are funny, but that isn’t the worst offense. The worst is the bride who has seven attendants and forces them all to wear the same dress. Skinny girls, fat girls, pregnant girls, old girls, all wearing the same clingy pink number that shows far too much cleavage on one, and the painful lack of cleavage on another, etc. It is cruel.

3. Glass Clinking

It’s a tradition as old and annoying as time, and I’d be kidding myself if I thought it could be stopped. But I’ve recently seen a twist on the theme that crosses the border of annoying into the land of “I’m gonna kill that guy with the spoon!” Every time glasses were clinked, another couple first had to stand and kiss, giving the bride and groom a standard they had to exceed. This created more episodes of glass clinking than I’ve ever seen at a wedding before, and some rather vulgar displays of affection as couples tried to one-up each other. Dood. Get a room.

4. The Slide Show

These have become more popular lately. I had one at my own wedding, and I thought it was fabulous. The slides show pictures of the wedding couple starting from infancy, up until the time of the wedding. Everyone “ooh” and “aah”s, the parents of the couple cry, and the couple has a nice souvenir. Here’s the Don’t: Don’t include pictures with old boyfriend/girlfriends. Not even if they’re still friends.

5. Open Bar, Open Mike

This is my very favorite, and it’s a mistake I actually hope people make, because it makes the reception SO much more interesting. Open bars are dangerous for any number of reasons, but much more so if you’re going to let anyone who wants to give a speech. Remember the Wedding Singer? Uh huh. A lot like that. I think I need to give a couple examples to make my point:

From a bridesmaid (imagine the crying starting about three sentences in):

I just want to say that Sally Mae is one of the most wonderful people I’ve ever known. She’s smart, and funny, and she was my friend when no one else wanted to be. She was the only one who stuck with me when Biff was being so awful, and that one time he tried to break in, she was right there with me and told him she’d call the cops and she even DID it, I can’t believe she’s so brave! And I think it’s so great that she and Billy Bob are getting married because I can’t think of anyone who deserves a better person. I mean, I do. I deserve way better than Biff, but since he left me knocked up I guess I can see why no one is interested. But anyway, Sally Mae is my best friend, and – sorry, I’m only crying because I’m so happy – I’m going to miss her so much, but she knows my living room floor is always available if she needs to get away!

From a groomsman (I can’t bring myself to color this with all the appropriate vulgarities, so fill in your own blanks):

Billy Bob is quite a man. From the very first panty raid we went on together, I knew there was no guy with more guts and more sex drive than Mr. Billy Bob, heh heh. But no, seriously, he’s a really great guy, and quite a catch. There was this one time we were at a party, and the chick he was with had WAY too many drinks, and soon enough she was barfing on these designer shoes she had? Well, gentleman that Billy Bob is, he got those shoes off her and held her hair while she puked for, like, the next two hours. Paid off for him too, if you know what I mean, heh heh. There weren’t too many chicks he didn’t know how to charm, so it’s about time Sally Mae pulled him back to earth. It’ll be good for him to have to stay inside the fence for awhile, though look out, Sally Mae! He’s always been a bit of a wild card… didn’t always know when to keep his hands off other people’s property. I mean, you’d think that he’d KNOW June Belle was dating his best friend, but I guess sometimes too many beers tend to fog a guys brain, huh Billy Bob? Uh, right. Anyway. Have a great life.

I’ve heard good ones from the parents of the wedding couple too. Who lets parents speak at these things? Many tears, much embarrassment for all.

6. Inappropriate Music

Here’s a list of inappropriate wedding songs I heard at a wedding a couple years back:

I’m A Wanderer
Leavin’ On A Jet Plane
Highway To Hell
Where Oh Where Could My Baby Be?
Oops I Did It Again

It had to be on purpose. You pay DJs to know better.

7. Sponge Cake

Cakes are a great place to trim wedding costs. If you’re on a tight budget, you can get a pretty, styrofoam cake with a single layer that is cuttable. You can then serve your guests a less expensive sheet cake and if you do it right, they’ll never know the difference. Here’s how to do it wrong: Cut your big, beautiful cake which looks like chocolately, moist, yummy goodness, then serve your guests pasty, white cake with the texture of a dried sponge while leaving the big, beautiful cake out for all to gaze upon. Boo!

So how about anyone else? Any other wedding Don’ts to share?

Read Full Post »